www.seconddrawdown.com
I must be having an identity crisis. Either that or I’ve become hormonal to the point of frustration, and the frustration is at nothing. Well, that’s untrue. It’s a combination of things that can all cause or lead to an identity crisis. Or perhaps identity crisis is a bit much.
Anyway: I don’t feel like myself. I’m being consumed in AIESEC work and AIESEC related activities to the point that it’s spilling over into my normal non-uni related life. My love for AIESEC has waned and now I’m questioning how much further and how much more serious I want this relationship to become. For the time being I’m just going to let it be because I have these commitments and responsibilities that I can’t give up. What’s more, there’s no denying the history and stuff we’ve been through and all that AIESEC has given to me, but now it’s almost like I see too much of AIESEC and just want to take a break.
But what am I without AIESEC? What would I do without it? It’s sad to say but I’ve also blown off my friends because of AIESEC work. And when I am with my friends a lot of what I talk about is AIESEC related. I almost question whether my friends would even take me back or whether the months of indecipherable acronyms have finally pushed them over the edge and my friendships are now irretrievable. I love you AIESEC but perhaps this love is not worth it. However, I’m too afraid of missing out to let go and where this could take me.
I’m losing my closest friends. I don’t see them like I used to see them.
My family already resents me for not ever being at home. Strangely this makes me want to be at home less, to reduce my exposure to the perceived resentment and to make me feel less guilty about not being ever being there for them. Out of sight, out of mind. They don’t seem to care when I’m at home anyway, they just care when I’m not.
I’m losing myself. I can’t remember exactly when it started but it has happened probably over the course of the last year or so. Maybe not so much losing myself but changing in a way that has caused me to shed what I used to be and replaced it with nothing. I used to read books, watch TV, listen to the radio but now none of those things give me the same joy as they used to. I have no patience for anything except for listening to the radio, the most passive of all three. Watching TV is almost painful. I was so up to date with current affairs and the latest story lines for half of the shows screening on TV and now I can barely get myself to sit down for long enough to watch the opening credits. This decrease in exposure to shitty-yet-entertaining media output correlated with an increase in time spent on the bus going to and from uni.
The fact that uni is so far away just means that I have so much less energy to interact or do anything worth doing when I get home. Uni is for work, home is for rest. I do so much less work yet spend so much more time at uni compared to the time and work that I did at high school. A change of attitude will definitely get this on track.
However, there is still the question of satisfaction. Perhaps it’s just the mood that I’m in right now. I started the week on such a high, getting heaps of people through Expectation Setting was awesome. As the week has gone by my overall positivity has fallen, like a round of cheese down a grassy slope. I’m at the point where I can think of nothing that would satisfy me. This lack of satisfaction has caused me to look in alternative places. Feeling like this has the worst impact on Thursdays: pay day. I try to look for satisfaction at the bottom of a giapo cone or a plastic bowl of tom yum noodles and it’s still not there. Detrimental to both my wallet and my waistline. This increase in my personal fat content has caused my stomach, hips and ass to itch especially when I walk because I jiggle a bit more than I used to.
Maybe I’m finally beginning to feel the effects of reverse culture shock, five months after I got back. I feel bored with life and perhaps it’s because I’ve seen and experienced a small taster of what else is out there. What Ukraine offers may not be better than what New Zealand has, but it sure is different.
But I know this feeling will only last a moment. The problem with my emotions and views on life is that they come with such speed and intensity that I forget about what it was like before this, how I thought last week. I do recall a blog post regarding how I enjoyed the extremeness of the inter-semester break and I remember enjoying it but I cannot at all recall the feeling or remember what it was like. I feel like a zombie. I guess writing about it isn’t going to help, especially since dwelling on such feelings can only work to intensify them.
I don’t know what I want. I want satisfaction but that can only come when you are happy with what you have. I almost feel like I want everything and nothing at the same time. I want to feel differently but don’t know how to change and at the same time I almost think it would change if I had everything that I wanted, but I don’t want anything. It’s a confusing cycle.
I feel like I need a purpose that has results which can feedback to my positivity receivers. Or maybe not even a purpose, but a job, function, task or role. I almost feel like running away and going to France where I can finally improve my French and sit in the sun and maybe own a dog which I would love and call Zoo.