Second Draw Down

This is an article I found in New Zealand Woman’s Weekly and I DID NOT WRITE it but I thought it was real funny…. So here it is.

I had doubts about Daniel Craig as the new James Bond, I really did. A bid weedy, I thought. A bit blonde. Was mean to Gwyneth in the movie Sylvia. But just one shot of him in his swimming trunks in Casino Royale and I changed my tune quick smart.

If you haven?t seen the movie, it’s about- oh hang on. What is the movie about? Yikes, I should know. I’ve seen it. Let me think. Mmm, swimming trunks. No, it’s not about them. Is it? No, it’s definately not.

Let me start again. This movie is about a bad man playing cards in Montenegro, which looks like a very nice place to go on holiday. So nice, in fact, I was forced to admit to myself that I didn’t know where it was and so looked it up in the atlas. (It’s part of the old Yugoslavia and has lovely beaches.)

Anyway, back to Bond. Mmm swimming trunks. NO! Must stop thinking about swimming trunks.  I don’t know what’s gotten into me. The movie is about a bad man playing cards with James Bond who orders a martini. The ingredients are three parts Gordon’s gin, one of vodka, a half measure of Kina Lillet- which is a bit like vermouth- and a long slice of lemon.

I made one of these after I got home, and woke up two days later in Turangi wearing an unfamiliar codpiece and a purple wig. Well, no, I didn’t really, but you get my drift. I couldn’t win a round a snap with a four-year-old after knocking back one of those babies, let alone up the stakes to a hundred mill in another gripping round of Texas hold ‘em.

But James Bond can. He really is very clever. Strong. And well-built. You know, in a swimming trunk sort of way.

Not to self: Stop it!

Note back to self: Well, have we seen any of the other Bonds in their trunks?

That’s a point. I’m not sure if we have- or if we’d want to. I’ve got visions of Sean Connery in a very small pair of Speedos but that might have been from a dream.

And I wouldn’t want to dream about Roger Moore in a thong. We should be most grateful he remained covered up at all times, what with him being a bit long in the tooth and all.

And speaking of long in the tooth, am I the only one who noticed that Daniel Craig has a very long bit between the bottom of his nose and the top of his lip? I looked this up too, like Montenegro. It’s called the philtrum. Now before seeing Casino Royale, I would have imagined that an oversized philtrum would be a most unattractive thing on a man, but it turns out this is not the case. Oh no. Not at all. Why, combine it with those piercing blue eyes, that sandy hair, those ripplied abs and bulging thighs and you have the perfect spy, all set to go and, erm, win the card game so he can, um, bet the bad man and , ah, stop the terrible thing…

You know what? Now I come to think of it, I might have gone to the loo at a crucial point and missed out on what the film is acutally about.

I guess I’ll just have to go and it again.

-Sarah-Kate Lynch

(Thanks to Brenda for letting me cut the article out.)