Second Draw Down

So I feel super out of it.

Getting back from one of the coolest overseas trips and having to get back to uni is one tough bitch.

I actually had this post planned out in my head but I’m so lost right now that I’ve forgotten what I was going to write, which makes me sad.

I remember there being something about the fact that I have little to no motivation to do anything now, and how it reminds me of when I came back from Ukraine/Malaysia. That sucked. That sucked big fat balls. Now I feel the same, except way more tired, which is weird, I don’t normally get so jetlagged when coming back from Malaysia. Anyway. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel kind of sad- I guess it’s what happens when someone who hates being herself is suddenly solo after two weeks of being amongst a throng of crazy friends. It feels so weird.

I don’t know what I’m going to do this semester. No AIESEC work, only uni work and parttime work twice a week. I might start trying harder in my law papers- but totally lack motivation to do so. I realised this earlier this morning while sitting in Contract and not remembering anything from last semester. I’m really scared about what that might mean. I feel oddly emotional right now. Like I was sitting in Contracts thinking about how I wanted to cry, though I can’t remember why. I feel like nothing has come back to normalcy depsite the two days I gave myself to readjust.

The trip was super duper awesome. Let’s talk about that for a moment. My favourite destination was Langkawi. So much relaxing- so much sleeping- oh so good. The people I went with made it all the better. The trip would have been nothing without them. There was a point in the year where I was regretting buying the tickets because it was costing so much. Looking back I have no idea what I was complaining about. That trip was super and I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. It was worth every cent.

I totally want some noodles.

I guess I’ve never been good at entertaining myself. The evidence shows through the screeds of diary entries, blogs, status entries and the like which shout to the world: I’M BORED. I used to trick myself into thinking that I did enjoy having free time by filling it with hours of TV watching, but now even TV cannot hold my attention. I used to read for leisure, now I don’t read unless I have to.

Why can I no longer enjoy free time? FREE TIME. FREE TIME TO DO WHAT EVAH THE FUCK I WAN’! I fuckin’ hate free time. I wish I were busy 90% of the time and then 10% have free time because that’d be awesome, and I’d be able to appreciate free time. I hate having to entertain myself.

I think I’d make a really good lawyer because I feel like this mentality will make me a workaholic.

Got some semi-big decisions to make and exams to do.

What does it mean to live like you’re dying?

In a sense it means to make the most of every moment, take every opportunity and appreciate what you have because you may not have the chance to do so in the future. It can also be interpreted to live as though life is going to end very shortly, which some may interpret as being the same, but I can assure you it’s not. To appreciate what you have and to live like your life is going to entails two very different lines of action.

I think it’s near impossible to live like you’re dying for pretty much everyone I know in this world is tied down to a family, job, school, work, uni… we all have responsibilities we can’t run away from. The largest hardship in the lives of most of the people I know is having to get up for classes, or pull an all-nighter to get an assignment done. Although very privileged to be able to gain a tertiary education, in a more general sense most of us aren’t happy with what we are doing.

I think this is partly to do with the fact that you can’t experience happiness without sadness, joy without pain. One cannot exist without the other. And the other is if you experience something too much you become desensitized to it. But the main factor I think is because we are all stuck doing things we don’t want to do.

If I had a year to live, I would gather money to fund my mayhem. I would spend my money on massive amounts of airplane tickets for myself and my friends and family, I’d want to share amazing experiences with them, doing new and exciting things, creating new memories. I’d spend thousands of dollars and dozens of hours getting sleeves done, I wouldn’t have to be afraid of what people thought of them or me, I’d be able to do what I wanted because my life wouldn’t need to be thought about in a permanent sense. I’d do volunteer work because I want to help people on a really basic level, something which I rarely do now. I’d want to talk and connect with everyone I meet, I love sharing experiences and I’d want to learn about life through the experiences of others. I’d build my time-lapse camera, cook and catch a fish, go tramping and all of those other things I’d said that I’d do because I wouldn’t any responsibilities from stopping me. I’d have a massive LIVE LIKE YOU’RE DYING PARTY in Litchenstein (which is a country that you can hire out for parties). I’d make sure to tell the people that I love that I loved and appreciated them. I’d want to wake up every morning and go for a run up Point View Drive.

To be honest, my list is really short and really shit because I can’t think of what I want to do. I’ve never been asked what I want to do. I’ve only been asked to reject or accept opportunities presented to me, but when it comes to opportunities I have made for myself I can’t think of any. Most of the time I’m on Facebook refreshing the home page hoping that something exciting will come up… and I hate it.

It’s really true:
“We’re adding years to our life, but not life to our years.”

I want to drop my law degree (I’ve never wanted to be a lawyer)… and get half-sleeves.

It’s 7.43am so it’s MOST OBVIOUSLYBREAKFAST TIME!!!

I’m currently sitting at my desk at work tossing up between eating and not eating breakfast.

Here is a list of factors:

Not eating:

• GOOD: Less energy to spend, less likely it’s going to be changed to fat.
• GOOD: Save money. I’m up to my last few dollars, I should probably save my money for buying a phone top-up, the 21st party tonight and other unimportant things like my trips.
• BAD: Potentially spending the rest of the morning an extra hungry and angry Help Desk Assistant.

Omg I feel like I’m going to vomit if I don’t eat soon… squeeeeeeeee. FUCK THE MONY I’M EATING. BUT WHAT DO I EAT?!?!? I’m limited to whatever I can find in Slurp and Munchie Mart. I think I have enough time to venture any further out of the building.

Oh gah, the thought of food right now is making me feel sick… MUESLI BAR IN MY BAG! SAVE ME FROM HUNGER! Stomach, why are you feeling sick?!

*gurlge*

I’m craving some warm noodle soup.

But at the same time it’s hurting my stomach to think about it.