Second Draw Down

There are many people I know at the moment who feel incredibly lost.

This may be this is because the majority of people I know are young people who are at that stage in their lives where they have to choose where it’s going. Not many people at our age can say that they have definite goals or plans after they graduate. “Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?” I hate this question because I have no idea. I also hate it because I don’t think you can assess someone’s character from the answer they give, although many believe that you can.

Some people feel like they’re on a path they never chose. Some feel like they’re heading nowhere and uni is just a general expectation that they have decided to conform to.

I can honestly say, most people don’t like what they do on a day-to-day basis. We dislike assignments, detest group work and ignore readings.

Though not a conformer to this thought but, what’s the point in complaining about something which you decided to do? Most of us have chosen to spend the 3-5 years in this institution in order to get a degree. Do we really have a right to complain about doing something which will enable us to get what we want? We can’t expect it to be a walk in the park. Of course it has to be challenging, or it wouldn’t be worth what it is.

To be honest, sometimes I feel like I’m still too young to be making my own big decisions, though not many have come my way.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t know enough about the world.

When I start thinking on a small scale, that’s when I start to become disengaged from my work at uni. When I forget that doing the readings will help me understand better or that doing an assignment will count to my overall grade is when I start get absorbed into my own petty problems.

Sometimes I think people see uni as a big joke. I enjoy learning, but that doesn’t mean that some papers don’t seem to teach us what they told us they would.

I feel like New Zealanders complain too much.

And so another academic year has started and here is the run down of my classes so far:

-Public Law with Bruce Harris: I initially found him really boring in Law 131 and the thought of him plus an 8 o clock start was almost enough to make me change to the 5pm stream. HOWEVER this morning he proved himself worthy of my attention by not being boring. I’m looking forward to delving into the unknown that is Public Law with this man leading the way.

-Contract Law with Alison Cleland: She is a tiny Scotswoman with one of the strongest Scottish accents I’ve heard, ever. The only Scottish personalities I know are Braveheart and comedians Billy Connelly and Danny Bhoy which just makes me think that she’s going to crack some sarcastic joke about one of her colleagues or run us down with a sword demanding freedom.

- Chinese 300 with Margaret Lee: SHE IS SO VAGUE! But that’s ok because we have Julie who is this cutesy Chinese post-grad and is super super nice. DAMN! I hate how I feel like I need to work really hard in Chinese. It’s going to be a big battle!

-Russian 100 with Mark Swift: That’s right I’m being taught Russian by an American. While this initially annoyed me greatly at first, I’ve found him to be a pretty decent guy. Although I feel like I can still hear his American accent when he speaks Russian, maybe it’s just my imagination. I don’t need to do the homework this week because it’s learning the Cyrillic Alphabet which I totes already know how to do, I’m such a cheater.

-Chinese 130 with Manying Ip: Omg, we have Manying Ip. GAAAAH! I’m not going to learn anything apart from senseless drivel from her. NOOOOOO.

OH SWEET JESUS ON A ROLLERSKATING BAGEL! I’m so annoyed!!! I feel like there is nothing to look forward to today except a repetition of the last couple of days at work here. I don’t have anything specific to do. But at least I’m being paid to sit at a computer all day. Ok. CALM THE FUCK DOWN, NOVIA!!!

There is some stuff I want to share

I’ve realised that the new sound of music over the last couple years really appeals to these ears.

The first couple years of uni has stolen from me the great loves of my previous life, those being television and music. For the longest time I used to listen to the band lovingly referred to in our household as MCR on repeat as well my declared second-favourite-band-of-all-time Fall Out Boy. And then there were bands such as The Strokes (who remind me of Genie) and The Arctic Monkeys (who remind me of Mona). I’m not going to try and hide the fact that I loved these bands like crazy, even if it was because I was a 16 year old girl of the type that are susceptible to falling hard for young men in skinny jeans. Admittedly my love and adoration has somewhat waned.

However, the power of music to bring down or uplift my spirits will never ever cease.

My recent favourites include songs which are unsurprisingly becoming increasingly popular on both mainstream radio and TV. Though many have said that upon first listening to the first big songs by Mumford and Sons and Florence + the Machine they didn’t know what to think of them, their power struck me quite forcefully and makes me feel like running around. These are two songs I could listen to on repeat. I think they are both simultaneously beautiful and brilliant, fast and slow. I personally think they should be played loudly.

Judge for yourself.

Little Lion Man

Dog Days Are Over

I’m hoping to rekindle my love for music and these two artists give me hope <3 fuck yea, I’m cheesy.

I hate being wrong. I never like insisting that I’m right. When I insist that I’m right I’m really sure that I’m right. Even when there is a little bit of doubt I allow the other person to assume their opinion. I hate being wrong in my actions more than being wrong in knowledge or fact. Doing something which is wrong is worse because you are meant to think before you act. And when you don’t, you look like a complete shithead.

People, does it get any easier to separate your emotions from your actions? When the fuck is level-headed maturity meant to set in? Do you ever stop using how you’re feeling to justify your actions? And when the hell is the filter between my brain and my mouth meant to be coming in?! GAH!!! This is making me feel like shit, which is not what I should be doing.

I feel like I’m too open as a person. However, I feel like if you don’t know everything about me, then you don’t really know me at all, which is why at some time or another, you are likely to hear my life story. I also think I trust too many people. I obviously need more barriers between people or know when to shut-the-fuck-up.

Ok, yeah, I’m making too much of big deal about this, but what can you do. I guess what I have to be grateful for is that I have this outlet in which to passively vent to people.

I wish I inherited my father’s patience. That would’ve been fantastic. Instead I inherited my mother’s know-it-all-ness, but without all of her arrogance (thank goodness) and I think I picked up my fierce emotions from someone, perhaps Brenda.

Omg. I can’t get over how much I smell. Showertime.

I’m going to use this summer to change what I don’t like about my life. It isn’t much, I’m pretty content with most things. There are some things emotionally that I want to change, but I can’t seem to. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re an emotional retard and can’t stop thinking about something that dampens your spirits.

I’ve been working heaps so my savings are increasing which is good but chances are they’re going to go to another plane ticket somewhere fantastical, even though I said that Ukraine was going to be the last trip that I would take until I graduated. I’ve already planned to go to Malaysia again (which I said I wasn’t going to do, but never say never) and maybe even going to China for summer school end of next year and if I organise it with Genie we might even do Eastern Europe after China. But I guess there are a lot of things to weigh up.

I got that piercing that I wanted. I am also getting reading glasses so I don’t have to squint in class (hooray). I actually wanted glasses ages ago because I think they look awesome. Down side means that I no longer have 20/20 vision. I’m slightly short-sighted (I think) Lame. But glasses: cool. I’m also getting fitter and slimmer this summer which is awesome. I’ve dropped to the weight that I was when I was 13 which sounds scary when I say it like that, but I’ve barely grown at all since I was 13, and when I say barely I mean there is 1-2 kilo difference between my weight when I was 13 and the weight when I was 18. Btw, for anyone reading this that hasn’t started uni yet, be prepared to put on weight; it’s not uncommon to put on 5kg. And for anyone reading this that is going to Malaysia soon (Eugenia Ng), be prepared to put on weight; it’s not uncommon to put on 5kg. I’m planning on going for a good 5km run tomorrow, we’ll see how long that takes me, preparing for Round the Bays in March which will be awesome. Probably going to join the gym for a couple of weeks in Feb once work finishes. I want killer thighs. I hate my thighs. I’ve hated them since Mum said they look like Christmas Hams. Kai who is already encouraging pretty much anyone he sees to join the gym has said he can help me with this. The only problem with losing weight is that you lose boob size as well and seeing as I have little to spare if I lose anymore weight I’m going to have the chest flatter than that of an 11 year old chubby boy.

I’m probably going to look like a lesbian…

… especially since I’m going to cut off my long thick black and red My Little Pony hair. Not all of it. But enough to get rid of most of what is left of the X-Men red.

Short(er/ish) hair+Odd piercings+No boobs = Lesbian.

I’m going to miss my long hair though, and I might not be able to cut it off seeing as I have no desire for a mohawk like I did when I wanted to shave it for Shave For A Cure. People have said I look good with long hair though. I guess those gross sleazy guys in Globe last night also liked my long hair seeing as they kept grabbing my ass, oh and that Argentinian who tried to hook up with me. DUDE! You don’t have to stand that close to my face when you’re talking to me. But I totally cock blocked him. Fuck no I’m not kissing some grotty random in a club. I guess the unwanted attention is in some way a compliment which says that I must look hot (yet slutty.) This is not the image I want. Anyway, that club is sleazy as, but that’s what happens when you have strip poles in the middle of the dance floor. It’s sleazy with really good music. Only one or the other I guess. And maybe changing myself in these ways will lift my spirits. Yes, looking like a lady-lover is sure to make me more satisfied with myself. This is the answer to everything. Goodbye whatever womanly sex-appeal I have, hello ambiguous androgyny. I’m sure that’ll keep the creeps at bay.  

I can’t be unhappy in 2011 or I might be discouraged from doing the things I should do, like taking every opportunity I can to make the most of everything in 2011. I think that starts with being happy with who you are first: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. The physical stuff is easy to fix, it’s the other stuff that’s the real challenge.