Second Draw Down

I hate being wrong. I never like insisting that I’m right. When I insist that I’m right I’m really sure that I’m right. Even when there is a little bit of doubt I allow the other person to assume their opinion. I hate being wrong in my actions more than being wrong in knowledge or fact. Doing something which is wrong is worse because you are meant to think before you act. And when you don’t, you look like a complete shithead.

People, does it get any easier to separate your emotions from your actions? When the fuck is level-headed maturity meant to set in? Do you ever stop using how you’re feeling to justify your actions? And when the hell is the filter between my brain and my mouth meant to be coming in?! GAH!!! This is making me feel like shit, which is not what I should be doing.

I feel like I’m too open as a person. However, I feel like if you don’t know everything about me, then you don’t really know me at all, which is why at some time or another, you are likely to hear my life story. I also think I trust too many people. I obviously need more barriers between people or know when to shut-the-fuck-up.

Ok, yeah, I’m making too much of big deal about this, but what can you do. I guess what I have to be grateful for is that I have this outlet in which to passively vent to people.

I wish I inherited my father’s patience. That would’ve been fantastic. Instead I inherited my mother’s know-it-all-ness, but without all of her arrogance (thank goodness) and I think I picked up my fierce emotions from someone, perhaps Brenda.

Omg. I can’t get over how much I smell. Showertime.

I’m going to use this summer to change what I don’t like about my life. It isn’t much, I’m pretty content with most things. There are some things emotionally that I want to change, but I can’t seem to. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re an emotional retard and can’t stop thinking about something that dampens your spirits.

I’ve been working heaps so my savings are increasing which is good but chances are they’re going to go to another plane ticket somewhere fantastical, even though I said that Ukraine was going to be the last trip that I would take until I graduated. I’ve already planned to go to Malaysia again (which I said I wasn’t going to do, but never say never) and maybe even going to China for summer school end of next year and if I organise it with Genie we might even do Eastern Europe after China. But I guess there are a lot of things to weigh up.

I got that piercing that I wanted. I am also getting reading glasses so I don’t have to squint in class (hooray). I actually wanted glasses ages ago because I think they look awesome. Down side means that I no longer have 20/20 vision. I’m slightly short-sighted (I think) Lame. But glasses: cool. I’m also getting fitter and slimmer this summer which is awesome. I’ve dropped to the weight that I was when I was 13 which sounds scary when I say it like that, but I’ve barely grown at all since I was 13, and when I say barely I mean there is 1-2 kilo difference between my weight when I was 13 and the weight when I was 18. Btw, for anyone reading this that hasn’t started uni yet, be prepared to put on weight; it’s not uncommon to put on 5kg. And for anyone reading this that is going to Malaysia soon (Eugenia Ng), be prepared to put on weight; it’s not uncommon to put on 5kg. I’m planning on going for a good 5km run tomorrow, we’ll see how long that takes me, preparing for Round the Bays in March which will be awesome. Probably going to join the gym for a couple of weeks in Feb once work finishes. I want killer thighs. I hate my thighs. I’ve hated them since Mum said they look like Christmas Hams. Kai who is already encouraging pretty much anyone he sees to join the gym has said he can help me with this. The only problem with losing weight is that you lose boob size as well and seeing as I have little to spare if I lose anymore weight I’m going to have the chest flatter than that of an 11 year old chubby boy.

I’m probably going to look like a lesbian…

… especially since I’m going to cut off my long thick black and red My Little Pony hair. Not all of it. But enough to get rid of most of what is left of the X-Men red.

Short(er/ish) hair+Odd piercings+No boobs = Lesbian.

I’m going to miss my long hair though, and I might not be able to cut it off seeing as I have no desire for a mohawk like I did when I wanted to shave it for Shave For A Cure. People have said I look good with long hair though. I guess those gross sleazy guys in Globe last night also liked my long hair seeing as they kept grabbing my ass, oh and that Argentinian who tried to hook up with me. DUDE! You don’t have to stand that close to my face when you’re talking to me. But I totally cock blocked him. Fuck no I’m not kissing some grotty random in a club. I guess the unwanted attention is in some way a compliment which says that I must look hot (yet slutty.) This is not the image I want. Anyway, that club is sleazy as, but that’s what happens when you have strip poles in the middle of the dance floor. It’s sleazy with really good music. Only one or the other I guess. And maybe changing myself in these ways will lift my spirits. Yes, looking like a lady-lover is sure to make me more satisfied with myself. This is the answer to everything. Goodbye whatever womanly sex-appeal I have, hello ambiguous androgyny. I’m sure that’ll keep the creeps at bay.  

I can’t be unhappy in 2011 or I might be discouraged from doing the things I should do, like taking every opportunity I can to make the most of everything in 2011. I think that starts with being happy with who you are first: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. The physical stuff is easy to fix, it’s the other stuff that’s the real challenge.

Can’t wait until 2011 because then I can finally say last year when referring to 2010 (which I keep doing).

I’m not really a fan of resolutions, although the last New Year’s resolution worked out well… kinda. I’m someone who is more like if you wanna do it, just do it, you don’t have to have a special date to do it, if you want to make a change, why not start now?

This year I’m going to try and stop indulging in daydreams, naps and my own pathetic feelings.

I’ll try my hardest to do what I know I should do rather than what I feel like doing. I’ll try my best to keep what I want in mind, so I’ll work harder.

I’ll go back to the mindset I used to have, which is I should do everything I can because, why waste an opportunity to experience something new? I feel like I didn’t do so much of that this year… no wondering as to why.

Today is the last day I get to feel pathetic (if I happen to feel pathetic), the last day I get to nap for no reason and most importantly, the last day I get to daydream like I have been because from tomorrow I’m going to start actively NOT doing that, if that makes sense. But let’s face it, I never make sense.

I’m also going to start on my holiday goals properly. Those being: actively using French and Chinese (still unsure how I’m going to do that), learning the capitals of the world, and of course, learning to drive and get my restricted. That’s quite difficult actually, learning to drive is annoying. So tomorrow I guess I’m going to change my attitude toward driving.

I guess I also want to not feel bored. Hey, boobs, tits, cock. Yeah, I didn’t think anyone would want to read this so a bit of vulgarity is alright. When I feel bored I can’t find anything that I want to do, and sometimes stems from wanting to do something but not being able to.

In order to start the year fresh I think I’m going to have to sort my room. It’s a mess. A huge fat ball of messy mess-ness. I think I have too much stuff and too little space. I think I’m going to have to throw out a lot of stuff, which is ok but I have trouble letting stuff go (haha) mainly because I always think I might need those things again.

You know what’s a random thing that just popped into my head that I don’t really mind sharing with you because I really don’t think anyone wants to read about someone’s stupid new year’s resolutions so I’m pretty sure no one is reading: why do a lot of people find this particular person really attractive? I don’t get it. I’m also over thinking about this line of thought (which would make for a semi-interesting post) because I just realised that I’m at home by myself and half my friends are out away for New Years and this makes me sad.

Ok, I’m off to feel pathetic for a while.

How is it that during exam break I can think of a million things to do during the holidays but now NOT EVEN ONE GOOD IDEA has popped into my head? This morning I have vacuumed the house, divided the old exercise books in my room into “keep” and “throw” and sent my CV to a law firm. This is it. And of course my normal fix of Facebook. I’M SO FREAKIN BORED!!! I was meant to go into uni to Skype Matt with Firdos but uni is ages away and I only have three bus rides left and I wanted to hang out with Docie because I felt like I was neglecting her. Well Docie went out shopping this morning leaving me on my own… and no motivation to do anything.

Perhaps I’d be happier if it were sunny. But it isn’t. No. The weather has turned to crap in the last couple of days which means I haven’t be able to go for my walks in the morning which give me a boost of endorphins to get my day off to a good natural high.

Perhaps it’s more the fact that I don’t FEEL like doing anything. Honestly, I can think of several different things to do but I don’t want to do any of them. I should go and wrap my secret santa gift… hmmm… gah.

Seriously what’s wrong with me?! CHILDREN CAN OCCUPY THEMSELVES! WHY CAN’T I?!

Whenever I get into these moods I go and do one thing, like the dishes, and then that starts the ball rolling and I’ll find other things to do.

Omg. I could never be a housewife. Being at home alone is dull. WHERE IS MY IMAGINATION?!

Ok. Now I’m tossing up between going off and doing the dishes and maybe that’ll motvate me to do something and going for a nap before work. Ergh. I don’t like working late nights.

I’ve already had lunch so there goes something else to do…

Maybe I’ll have a nap. And then go to work.

:( :(

Just some thoughts from the weekend:

I need people. I need to see people, I need to speak to people, I need people around me all the time! It is for this reason that I am slowly but surely becoming addicted to Facebook. I don’t think that the usual amount of time spent with people in real life is enough to feed this need to be around people because I’ll come home and jump on Facebook. I’m neglecting my family and have become horrible to talk to. Well impatient I should say because when I’m at home, I’m not doing what I need to do, which is be out somewhere or do something. I also can’t really stand being at home at this very second. It’s boring and there’s little to do. I also can’t watch TV because I can’t sit for extended periods without wanting to get up and do something else.

I had one of the best weekends ever this past weekend! Nessa’s going away/birthday party was absolutely wonderful! Everything was awesome!!! Food, people, dancing, clubbing. CLAPS ALL AROUND! Then today we had Jono’s annual puddle party, once again, a fun and relaxing afternoon out in the Whitford farmland. Heaps of time this weekend spent hanging out with my FUCKIN AWESOME friends from high school. I LOVED IT! I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND I’M TOTALLY HAVING WITHDRAWAL.

After spending so much time around people, it’s hard for me to go back to being not around so many people. I feel kind of crazy and lost. I want Genie back. Sounds like she’s having an amazing time in Romania though http://genie-has-tumblr.tumblr.com/

Gah! I feel like I need to be overseas… Well all good! Malaysia July 2011.

I feel weird. It’s probably because I had a sleep at a weird time. wo4e;/zx/;wlo weovnjn wrpwiujwoi <– that’s how I feel.