I haven’t seen my friend for a week. She responds to texts though. I sent her a text today saying good luck for the exam tomorrow and she didn’t respond. This makes me feel sad.
What if we’re never friends again?
I don’t want to lose her as a friend.
Nah, it isn’t really. I had a coffee this nap and a coffee this afternoon, but I know the reason I can’t sleep is because I have to confront a friend about something tomorrow.
This friend has been an awesome, really great and fun friend. But there are times when this friend is a really bad friend. And over the last couple of months it has become worse, and I just want it to stop. I thought initially that it was just a phase so I let it go. Then I realised that it wasn’t, and I started pulling away, and then it got more annoying because pulling away made it worse. This friend has put me down for no reason and intentionally hurt my feelings and has said things that they know will upset me. They criticise me (and other friends) and every other time I hang out with them I’m almost waiting for it to happen. Sometimes it’s fun, and then something will happen to upset this friend, and everything becomes negative. I really value this friendship but not in the state that it’s in. I feel like the friend is being too possessive and everything that doesn’t go their way, I have to be some source of comfort or blame. I’m not taking this shit anymore.
When I want to do something a certain way, I just want to do it that way. I don’t like people telling me I should or shouldn’t do something because I’ve already decided it a certain way.
No. I don’t want speeches. Now leave me alone.
There won’t be anything profound or interesting about this post.
Sometimes I wish I could express my physical feelings through words.
Someone asked me what my favourite thing about Ukraine was recently, and I couldn’t really give a proper answer which made me feel like a bit of a sham because I will talk about Ukraine and how awesome it is to anyone who wishes to listen.
I don’t know. Feeling so weird and nervous. I might go look at tattoos and figure out which ones I want. Even though I don’t want anymore than the ones I have already planned.
Log of my time at work: 31st August 2011
5.25pm: Hmmmmm. My heart feels so uneasy.
5.33pm: *sighs* still a few a hours away til peak Facebook usage. I wonder if I should start writing Rebecca’s speech. But this uneasy feeling is too overwhelming.
5.54pm: Pintresting.
7.00pm: ate a pie.
8.05pm: feeling emotionally sensitive. As usual.
8.20pm: huuuuuugh
8.41pm: figuring out who I want to be
9.09pm: thinking about how my parents didn’t support me in doing Shave For A Cure and how much I hate them for it.
9.19pm: wondering why I get so affected when my parents try to stop me from doing/being who I want to be.
9.47pm: one of those moods where I don’t feel like I could genuinely smile.
9.51pm: can’t wait until I can go home.
9.54pm: I don’t want to talk to my parents.
9.55pm: going to do some shelving.
10.25pm: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
10.31pm: life is so boring when I’m experiencing it alone.
10.38pm: life is SUPER BORING when I’m experiencing it alone.
10.52pm: my stomach hurts.
10.53pm: hoping that I don’t screw things up, even though I always feel like I do.
10.54pm: my stomach hurts.
10.55pm: wishing Facebook was more interesting.
11.05pm: Texting Chico about China stuff. My stomach still hurts.
11.27pm: eating bread.
1.05am: yay at home eating noodles.
So I feel super out of it.
Getting back from one of the coolest overseas trips and having to get back to uni is one tough bitch.
I actually had this post planned out in my head but I’m so lost right now that I’ve forgotten what I was going to write, which makes me sad.
I remember there being something about the fact that I have little to no motivation to do anything now, and how it reminds me of when I came back from Ukraine/Malaysia. That sucked. That sucked big fat balls. Now I feel the same, except way more tired, which is weird, I don’t normally get so jetlagged when coming back from Malaysia. Anyway. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel kind of sad- I guess it’s what happens when someone who hates being herself is suddenly solo after two weeks of being amongst a throng of crazy friends. It feels so weird.
I don’t know what I’m going to do this semester. No AIESEC work, only uni work and parttime work twice a week. I might start trying harder in my law papers- but totally lack motivation to do so. I realised this earlier this morning while sitting in Contract and not remembering anything from last semester. I’m really scared about what that might mean. I feel oddly emotional right now. Like I was sitting in Contracts thinking about how I wanted to cry, though I can’t remember why. I feel like nothing has come back to normalcy depsite the two days I gave myself to readjust.
The trip was super duper awesome. Let’s talk about that for a moment. My favourite destination was Langkawi. So much relaxing- so much sleeping- oh so good. The people I went with made it all the better. The trip would have been nothing without them. There was a point in the year where I was regretting buying the tickets because it was costing so much. Looking back I have no idea what I was complaining about. That trip was super and I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. It was worth every cent.
I totally want some noodles.
I’m so bored. I hate being at home. So fuckin’ bored. I feel like chopping all of my hair off. WHY DO I GET SO BORED SO EASILY?! This is exactly what I hated during high school, I’d just sit at home and have nothing to do in the weekends. I FUCKIN’ HATED IT. I want to leave home. This is also what took me to town every other weekend during first year, my friends were out, why not go out with them? I hate being a home. I think I was a dog in another life because I need constant attention or I end up tearing up the house. I’m actually going to go crazy. I hate this feeling.
I guess I’ve never been good at entertaining myself. The evidence shows through the screeds of diary entries, blogs, status entries and the like which shout to the world: I’M BORED. I used to trick myself into thinking that I did enjoy having free time by filling it with hours of TV watching, but now even TV cannot hold my attention. I used to read for leisure, now I don’t read unless I have to.
Why can I no longer enjoy free time? FREE TIME. FREE TIME TO DO WHAT EVAH THE FUCK I WAN’! I fuckin’ hate free time. I wish I were busy 90% of the time and then 10% have free time because that’d be awesome, and I’d be able to appreciate free time. I hate having to entertain myself.
I think I’d make a really good lawyer because I feel like this mentality will make me a workaholic.
For the longest time I’ve kept a diary where I’ve written down my thoughts and feelings. One day I started doing it on the interwebs, and one day my friend found it, thought it was hilarious and made me a proper blog. And so I’ve been blogging for 5 years. That’s writing at least one blog each month for the last 5 years. I want to take up other hobbies. The reason this has been going on so long is because I like to “express” myself and write down my thoughts. For the longest time I was sad that no one read my blog, then I started not caring, then I linked it up to Facebook, then people started reading it and now I think way too much about what I’m writing. I keep rethinking about what I’m going to write down. For example I was going to write down the new hobbies that I want to pursue but feel way too self-conscious because if I write it down then people will know and will ask about them, and if I fail then I look like a loser. HARSH. Two exams tomorrow Chinese 300, Russian 100. URAH!
For the first time in ages I have a free weekend where I have no meetings to attend, no assignments to complete and no tests to study for. It has been fabulous. But at the same time I can see this getting very boring.
I finished my Contracts reading (OMG, miracle, though still haven’t caught up at all that I need to do for Public WHICH I HATE!!!) I have tided my room, caught up on my 30 Day Photo Challenge and I have also picked up my flute and I am really surprised at how much I still remember. Perhaps with the weekends like this, I might be able to do 5 papers next semester, but I really don’t want to, please don’t make me 
:(
I think that it is going to be very hard for me to keep up next semester because like many people I have this tendency to forget and stray away from what I was doing, e.g. 30 Day Photo Challenge, I realised today that I had left it for so long that I have pretty much reached the end of my month. So stupid.
So.
How does one keep up with goals/activities?
How was I able to do everything back in high school? I guess one of the things was that everything was planned and so externally enforced, you didn’t really have to do much work except for turn up to practices and games. Pretty simple stuff. I work well with rules and framework which has been somewhat of a challenge since starting uni, trying to make myself work without the pressure of external forces.
Then there are things which I have managed to keep up with, like this blog, because it fulfills a need I have to put thoughts down. I guess where there is less need, there must be more drive to keep things going.
I’m going to need to find a new hobby because this too much free time will bore me to death.
